House Almost Beautiful: My Muse And The Never Ending Project

In the past year, I have spent way too much time walking around my tiny house and noticing my less-than-perfect surroundings. Our home of over forty years has benefitted from a few updates and additions. As time passes, paint colors beg an update. Window treatments need an overhaul. Furniture could be rearranged. While I have lived with the current state of affairs for a while, my desire to change things up has roots in one of my many vices: a recent overdose of home decorating shows that has me jonesing for a redo.

My viewing preferences come in the form of one specific obsession–the Canadian designer, Sarah Richardson. Sarah is a big name and a bit of a brand up north. Her vintage shows–Sarah 101, Room Service, Design Inc–run daily on the Dabl channel. My sacred Sarah ritual causes me to stop whatever I’m doing and turn on the television promptly at 2 p.m. My dependence on Sarah grounds me in a quasi-schedule. It also causes me to take to the websites of Amazon, Wayfair, and Lowe’s to replicate her ideas, a habit that has become a costly hobby.

Even though some of the shows date back to the mid-2000’s, Sarah’s timeless style appeals to me. I watch in awe as she trolls through antique stores, pausing at some broken-down piece and imagining how she will breathe new life into the borderline junk. She always sees potential in someone else’s discards. Sarah repurposes old decrepit bureaus into bathroom vanities and refinishes chandeliers, well past their sell-by dates, into shiny, glittering fixtures. Like a magician, she transforms tiny, cramped spaces into seemingly spacious, usable rooms. Her innate sense of scale and texture translates into visual appeal that, in my humble and somewhat untrained opinion, is perfection.

I must confess the whole design obsession is not new for me. I refer to myself as untrained but, in a little known piece of Mami trivia, decades ago, I spent a year and a half in an Interior Design program at a local college. I studied Art History, Textiles, Color, and Drawing. I visited museums, admiring Caravaggios and Titians for their deep, rich tones and use of light. On field trips, I strolled through the collections at the Fashion Institute of Technology. I created mood boards–presentations juxtaposing swatches of fabric, paint chips, carpeting, wallpaper, and furniture ideas. I developed floor plans for imaginary clients. I never completed the degree but I learned enough to transform our own home, frequently. My long-suffering husband usually played along. Nonetheless, Tim was relieved when I changed career paths and studied school counseling in a Master’s program. I returned to non-design related work once our kids were older and I know his relief wasn’t based on additional income flow alone.

With my reawakened interest in home design, Sarah seeped into my psyche and before long, she invaded my dreams. After watching an episode of Sarah 101 where she constructed a baby’s changing table designed to fit over an old bureau, I found myself working on the same project in my sleep. I measured and mitered joints with my assistants, Barack and Michelle Obama. Besides watching too much t.v. I was also reading Becoming, Mish’s memoir. Worlds collided, a sure sign of a Sarah problem, an obsession with the former First Couple, and an overactive dream life. 

My pandemic Sarah habit has inspired a few minor changes. Since last summer, we have repainted a few rooms and dissolved a dining room to create an office for Tim’s ‘work from home.’ With the completion of each tiny project, I anticipated my next conquest and Tim shrugged. Sarah’s ideas, teamed with my own modest knowledge, sparked more projects. Most of the time, I pondered silently, germinating an idea fully, so as not to rile up my husband prematurely. I knew he dreaded hearing “Hey, I was thinking…” He’s had a twenty year respite while I abandoned my home rearrangement in the interest of counseling America’s youth. But now, I’m retired and back home for good, rejuvenated and teeming with ideas inspired by my muse–my Candian idol.

Last week, when Tim walked into the house after a game of golf, I am sure he had a moment of PTSD. In the few hours while he was out, I had dismantled the living room. Tired of the arrangement, I covertly contemplated a change. With a clipboard in hand, I sketched out a few options. I removed all of the breakable items, leaving behind the heavy furniture. In the old days, when I deconstructed the rooms, I seldom required much help to shift the big stuff. I could usually get things back together before Tim returned from work. He tended to appreciate the final product, especially when I cut him out of the process.

This time was different. I am older now, and I hesitate to acknowledge it, weaker. Moving the piano by myself posed an impossible task but the monstrosity needed repositioning before anything else could slide into place. I stood in the middle of the room, helpless, dreading Tim’s gasp when he walked in the door. I suppressed my panic and practiced how I would frame my sudden need to rotate the seemingly static pieces. I readied myself for any reaction, knowing that his outrage would pass. My new arrangement would be worth the bother.

In the end, Tim helped me with my dilemma without much argument. Fortunately, our muscles remained unstrained and intact. Once everything was in place, I stepped back and absorbed the change, feeling a bit Sarah-ish. The result pleased me and fully vaccinated friends who have visited have given my efforts multiple, enthusiastic ‘thumbs up.’ On the other hand, Tim refers to the exercise as “rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” I ignore him.

The time spent critiquing the inside of my home, combined with my friend Sarah’s inspiration, provided a diversion during these quiet months stuck in the house. Still, even though we can move about more freely, I know I’m far from finished changing things up. Today’s frontier: the upstairs shower curtain–which of course becomes drapes, rugs, towels, candles, and matching soaps. Lucky for Tim, you can’t move a toilet or a tub without a major demo. He’ll be glad to know he’s off the hook. For now.

Sarah

Lessons I Learned From My Dog

Muffy

Yesterday, we said goodbye to our tiny, eight pound poodle, Muffy. After a year of living with kidney failure, her seventeen-year-old body could no longer stave off the ravages of the disease and I don’t think I could be sadder. Before the pandemic, we sought every reasonable intervention to keep her alive. After subcutaneous fluids, herbal medications, laser stimulation, and acupuncture, we ended treatment in March since, due to pandemic restrictions, we were no longer able to be with her in the veterinarian’s office. We knew the risks. She was already sixteen; instead of treating her illness, our focus shifted to her quality of life and we supported her as best we could. After our decision, it was all on Muffy and, in her plucky way, she stayed alive. 

Since last January, we embarked on a year long adventure. As we posted pictures on Facebook and Instagram with the obvious hashtag, #muffysfarewelltour, friends asked, “Farewell tour?” Muffy seemed so bright, lively, and energetic, but we knew our time together was limited so we made an effort to make memories with our girl. We took day trips to South Boston’s Castle Island and Revere Beach. We drove with her in my lap to the ice cream shop, to downtown Boston to see Christmas lights, and to pick up take out, always ordering her a meal of her own. Muffy loved the pandemic phenomenon, the Zoom meeting, and she popped up on just about every call, making her a bit of a celebrity with my writing groups and assorted meetings. After it all, our favorite memory was a Covid-friendly vacation to Cape Cod, where we rented a house on a dog-friendly beach, where Muffy could run free. She loved every minute.

I thought about how I would memorialize our sweet pup in words without sounding bereft. Muffy lived a life of joy and wonder. She loved her family, her backyard, and pork chops. She entertained us with her silly antics like arranging her blue pillow and red snowflake blanket at bedtime each night, before settling in to watch Kitchen Nightmares. Every minute of caring for her, even in her last hours as we helped her cross the Rainbow Bridge, was an act of love. It was our way of repaying her undying loyalty as she padded along by our sides all these years.

Dogs may not have words but they speak to us in ways we sometimes miss in the moment. As I go through my day, my first without my tiny white shadow, I still feel Muffy here. Her memory remains palpable and real. I savor the feeling of her enduring presence while it lasts. Every move I make, I remember her–under foot, begging, and just being completely adorable. In an effort to squash my maudlin tendencies, I jotted down a few lessons Muffy taught me as a tribute to her legacy:

How to be shameless: Not a day has passed in the years since Muffy joined our family that I have showered or used the toilet without the bathroom door flying open. I always closed, not latched or locked, the door (that would have been intolerable for herself), but in the course of a pee or a shower, the door, without exception, flew open as the energetic, white fur ball burst into the room. At first, it was unnerving. In time, it became normal. On a positive note, the steam from a shower never fogged up the bathroom and the house benefitted from the infusion of moist air in the winter months. We never needed a humidifier because of Muffy.

How to share: This morning, on our kitchen table, I found the two fortune cookies left over from last night’s Chinese dinner and I laughed. I haven’t eaten my own fortune cookie since the day Muffy came to live with us, nor have most of our dinner guests over the years. She had an unnatural love of the crunchy treat, and everyone succumbed to her begging and cuteness. As I peeled off the cellophane, I thought of Muffy and, with my coffee, I ate my fortune cookie, alone and joylessly. Sharing with your best friend is so much more satisfying. 

How to start the day bright and early: My husband, Tim, usually started his morning by 6:30, after putting Muffy out and checking to make sure she had water and food. Once she was settled, Muffy was on her own and she usually honored my need for extra sleep, within limits. However, after 7:30 a.m., my slumber lived on borrowed time. Standing in my bedroom doorway, Muffy would yip twice, my signal to rise. As I followed Muffy down the hallway, her tail wagging, clearly pleased with herself, I always chuckled. Because of her, I started every day with a smile.

How to go to bed at a reasonable hour: Every night at 11 p.m., Tim would put Muffy out to do her business “for her last time” that day. After getting a sip of water, she made her way up the hall and into the den where I had just started another episode of the Ghost Whisperer or Schitt’s Creek. Having no part of this, the dog stood a few feet away, just staring. I knew what she wanted. It was bedtime. After a few minutes of visual strongarming, I would stand up and go to brush my teeth. I had a sense that she didn’t trust me to follow through with going to bed as she stood outside the bathroom door, glaring. I always succumbed to her demands, making her happy and increasing my odds of an uninterrupted eight hours of sleep. 

I fear for my future without my keeper. The odds are stacked against me ever getting up early and going to bed on time. I may eat my sadness by consuming my weight in fortune cookies. And I guess I’ll have to use the blow dryer to clear the foggy bathroom mirror. But the most important lessons I have learned in my life with Muffy are: how to love someone so much that letting go is a sacred transition through denial, sadness, and acceptance; how to do the kindest thing even when we know our hearts will break forever; and how to wake up and start the day after the first night in thirty-nine years that our house didn’t have a dog in it. Without her jingling collar, the quiet is unsettling. 

I acknowledge the feeling of emptiness will dissipate in time, but these first days of loss and longing crush my heart. Tim and I have resolved that there will be no more dogs. Muffy was the best companion, physical comedian, and pillow-blanket arranging bedmate anyone could ever ask for and she will never be replaced. We are the ultimate empty nesters–no kids, no dogs, just us. Now when I talk to myself, I can’t deflect with  “I was talking to the dog.” 

It’s gotten really quiet around here.

Muffy’s Farewell Tour